IM Ahmedabad student writes his own draft of Lokpal bill

Ahmedabad. Convinced that he was studying at the best management institute in India and that he had acquired all the necessary skills to solve all the problems of the world, a second year MBA student at IIM here has released his own Lokpal bill draft, which he claims would root out 86.93% corruption from the country. 25-year-old Mukesh Khanna released the draft in shape of a Facebook note, which is slowly getting mass support from fellow MBAs.

“Everyone was joining the debate and coming up with their own Lokpal bill. It was no longer a fight between the government and Anna. I heard a dalit group was coming up with Bahujan Lokpal bill. I felt an urgent need to come up with my own draft before Suhel Seth or Pritish Nandy come up with their own versions of Lokpal bill,” Mukesh explained his motives.

Chetan Bhagat, an IIM Ahmedabad alumnus, was earlier rumored to be writing his own Lokpal bill, but the best-selling author chose to support the Jan Lokpal bill.

Mukesh claims to have devoted two “night outs” to prepare his Lokpal draft, which is based on the best practices followed in the management world.

“Any aggrieved citizen can submit a PowerPoint presentation to the office of Lokpal with details of his complaint against a government official,” Mukesh explained the simple process of his own Lokpal, “If he has details of any financial irregularity, he can as well submit an Excel sheet and an inquiry against the concerned official can be initiated.”

Mukesh has proposed that Lokpal’s post should be called CEO (Corruption Eliminating Officer) and CEO’s salary should have a substantial variable component that should depend upon the amount of money he would save from going to corrupt official’s pockets.

“Not only I am freeing the government exchequer from extra burden that will arise out of establishment of Lokpal’s office, I am linking the pay (government expenses) to performance that is completely lacking in the other drafts of the Lokpal bills,” Mukesh claimed why his draft was the best, at least in Asia-Pacific.

At least 50 different MBAs have been tagged in Mukesh’s Lokpal draft Facebook note, which had gathered 231 ‘likes’ till reports last came in. Mukesh is planning to approach the government with his draft if he successfully gets at least 10000 likes, which he believes is enough to bring this government on its knees in the current scheme of things.

Mukesh refused to comment when asked if he had appropriated the right of Chetan Bhagat, an IIM Ahmedabad alumnus, to offer solutions to contentions problems

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Government to relocate corrupt people after others ask them to Quit India

New Delhi. After social activist Anna Hazare’s “second freedom movement” to get rid of corruption from India got massive public support, government has initiated talks with “corruption” for a smooth and safe exit from India, as was done with British nationals when they left India following the first freedom movement.

Government has constituted an “empowered group of corrupt persons” (EGCP) who would work closely with a group of government representatives to draw an exit route and plan.

“We don’t want to leave this country; we are also a part of the Indian culture and social system,” Sharad Raja, the chairman of the EGCP told Faking News, “But if the fellow Indians want us to leave this country, they should at least make alternative arrangements for us.”

Corrupt persons were very scared after reading such slogans and they immediately contacted the government for support

Mr. Raja claimed that relocation to places like Tihar Jail was “out of question” as Tihar was a part of India. “They have asked corruption to quit India, so going to jail is not the solution,” he said.

Sources inform that the corrupt persons, representing corruption, were initially lobbying for a “personal law” (as against the Lokpal law) for themselves because corruption was a way of life, almost a religion, for them.

“They wanted themselves to be out of the purview of the proposed Lokpal Bill, but we realized that it can’t work, so we started talks on their relocation,” Union Law Minister Salman Khursheed said.

It’s not yet clear where the corrupt will go; and their numbers are estimated to be running in millions.

“England has refused to take them in arguing that they were not at all responsible for giving birth to any of them, while Pakistan, where the opposition wanted the corrupts to go, asked for a similar favor from us,” informed Mr. Khursheed.

“Switzerland, where their money is supposed to be lying safe, too doesn’t want them,” the minister revealed.

Apart from the huge numbers of corrupt persons, the government is also facing a crisis in relocating them as it could cause the rest of the system to collapse.

“They are everywhere – in government organizations, private sector, bureaucracy, police, NGOs, judiciary, journalism… almost in every sector – in sizable numbers and many of them on important positions. If we banish all of them, those left might be overburdened and the system could collapse,” feared a government representative in talks with “corruption”.

“We will manage this,” the government representative expressed hope and confidence as Sharad Raja nodded in agreement.

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Cricket fan who was confident of Indian comeback in tests selected for Arjuna Award

Pune. Pratik Singh, a 21-year-old Indian cricket fan who never lost any hope for team India’s comeback in the just concluded test series against England, has been nominated for this year’s Arjuna Award for his “outstanding achievement in the field of cricket”. The sports ministry took this decision as Pratik was reckoned to be the only person related to cricket who showed a fighting and indomitable spirit.

“The Awards are given not only for sporting achievements but also for carrying a positive attitude that can promote a culture of sports in the country,” Union Sports Minister Ajay Maken told Faking News, “Pratik was the only person remotely related to cricket who displayed both these qualities.”

Last cricketer standing?

Maken said that Pratik’s passion for cricket and an undying faith in the Indian team’s abilities were unmatched in the country and the Ministry decided to award him for his efforts.

“When everyone was celebrating Anna’s victory, Pratik was awaiting Indian victory in test matches. Not even the Indian cricketers playing in England had the same level of faith in their own abilities as was displayed by Pratik,” Maken explained, “For example, he believed that Suresh Raina was all set to score a century in the second innings at The Oval and save the match. You see.”

“Simply marvelous!” Maken couldn’t hide his admiration for the latest Arjuna awardee.

This is for the first time that a “fan” has been awarded with any national sporting honor, but experts believe that perhaps the decision of the Sports Ministry was not way off the mark.

“Pratik is a regular feature in his colony’s cricket team and last week he was fined with two Cosco tennis balls for playing big shots,” Ravi Jadhav, a cricket expert of Kalyani Nagar analyzed the events, “His average with bat and ball in the last month were better than the whole of the Indian team on England tour.”

When Faking News contacted Pratik from comments, we were told by his younger brother that he was sleeping and he couldn’t risk waking him up.

“Last time I woke him up he beat me up because Sachin Tendulkar was batting on 99 in his dreams,” Pratik’s younger brother expressed his helplessness.

In a related development, BCCI has requested Sports Ministry to take up “test cricket” under government control, even as the board would continue with promotion of Twenty20 and ODI games.

“This way test cricket will also be brought under Lokpal,” a BCCI member explained the “benefits”. It should be noted that BCCI can’t come under Lokpal right now as it was not a government organization while IPL was made up of private bodies.

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Manmohan Singh confuses Sonia Gandhi’s “remote control” with “magic wand”

New Delhi. Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, who had revealed on Independence Day that there was no “magic wand” against corruption, was momentarily excited earlier today when he mistook Sonia Gandhi’s “remote control” for being some kind of a magic wand.

Dr. Singh was exposed to the remote control during a meeting with Rahul Gandhi that took place to discuss the issues arising out of Anna Hazare’s indefinite fast.

“What is that?” Prime Minister is reported to have asked Rahul Gandhi, who was holding a strange looking gadget in his hand. Rahul was given the gadget – the remote control – by his mother when she had to leave India for medical treatment a few weeks back.

“Oh, this thing? I don’t know what is it called, but mom says she can get whatever she wants using this,” Rahul replied to a bewildered Manmohan Singh and other cabinet ministers who had come to his residence for the secret meeting after skipping breakfast early this morning.

“You mean some kind of magic wand!?” Dr. Singh asked with a clear but rare excitement in his tone.

“I don’t know,” Rahul said, “Although even I wanted to know more and use this thing myself, Mom says that I may not need it at all after a couple of years!”

The remote-control that was mistaken for being a magic-wand by the Prime Minister

“But I think you are right; it might be a magic wand,” the young Gandhi added as an afterthought.

“Could this be the magic wand that Pranab da wanted to control inflationwith, or is this the magic wand Pawar was looking for to stop farmers’ suicides and rise in onion prices?” Manmohan Singh thought, “Or maybe it’s the magic wand needed to fightterrorists that Chidambaram needs. Or please god, let it be the magic wand with which I could controlcorruption!”

Excited over the wide-ranging prospects this magic wand could attain, Prime Minister is reported to have implored the Congress General Secretary to let him use the magic wand for once and clear the mess that has been created in the country over the last couple of years.

After some initial hesitation, Rahul Gandhi agreed to allow use of the supposed “magic wand”, but nobody present in the meeting knew how to operate it. Since it was night time in the USA, where Sonia Gandhi was recuperating and possibly sleeping at that time, calling up the UPA chairperson for help was ruled out.

Sources inform that Sharad Pawar was the first one who offered to operate the wand, but he kept on waving it like a cricket bat and exclaiming “no more suicides”. It was not clear whether he was making a wish for the farmers or the Indian cricketers in England. Frustrated by his acts, Manmohan Singh ordered him to hand over the wand to Pranab Mukherjee.

The Union Finance Minister is believed to have taken a long drawn look at the wand, perhaps hoping that the wand would operate itself. P Chidambaram too joined him and they took turns to take a look at the supposed wand but neither of them did anything.

Finally, Prime Minister took the wand in his own hands, and he could see a big red button that said “push and order”. He wondered what why were his cabinet colleagues clueless about this.

“Fill the stomach of the old man and let his hunger and frail health vanish till the next general elections,” Manmohan Singh wished for Anna Hazare as he pressed the button.

To his surprise, Manmohan Singh found a sensation in his stomach and in his limbs soon after. Even though he had skipped breakfast, Dr. Singh no longer felt the urge to have food and he almost felt like running around in excitement. He realized that the changes he had wished for Hazare, had been implemented on himself. He realized it was the famed “remote control” and not any “magic wand”.

“There is no magic wand to fight corruption, please help us deal with the situation,” Prime Minister is later said to have requested Anna Hazare in another letter after the meeting.

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Dhoni requests Manish Tewari to call team India the “D Company”

London, UK. After realizing that Congress leader Manish Tewari’s caustic comments against Anna Hazare and his team turned the public mood in favor of Team Anna, Indian cricket team captain Mahendra Singh Dhoni has written a passionate letter to Tewari asking for help. Dhoni has requested the Congress spokesperson to immediately call a press conference and lambast Team India for its poor performance in test matches against England.

“Call us incompetent from head to toe, call us closet gilli-danda players, call us over-ground jokers, or if you want, call us RSS agents, but please call us names,” Dhoni’s letter desperately pleaded for help from the Congress leader.

Though he appears to be laughing after making statements, experts believe that it’s always someone else who has the last laugh.

It should be noted that Indian cricket team is facing a possible 4-0 whitewash as the fourth and the final test match starts at The Oval tomorrow. Indian fans are disappointed with the team and have lost all hopes of any comeback from them. Most of the fans are just indifferent and waiting for the ODIs and the only T20 match to begin.

“But just one statement from you against us can change this cold indifference of people into warm support for us,” Dhoni’s letter argued.

“You can accuse Dravid of scoring slower than the speed at which you speak, you can accuse Sehwag of being a bigger zero than the 2G loss, you can call me a directionless leader like Advani,” Dhoni gave some “hints” to the Congress leader.

“But for once, open your mouth and help India,” the letter made a passionate appeal.

The letter was handed over to Manish Tewari by BCCI spokesman and Congress leader Rajiv Shukla. If Tewari is moved by the pleas of the Indian captain, he could address a press conference tomorrow morning and call Dhoni’s men the “D Company”, just like he had termed Team Anna the “A Company”.

“Tewari could address the media at around 11 AM in the morning and we expect the whole country to be wholeheartedly backing Team India by 3 PM, when the fourth test begins,” Rajiv Shukla expressed hope and confidence.

Shukla refused to confirm or deny if the letter by Dhoni was an idea initiated by the BCCI, which has earlier been accused of asking Sunil Gavaskar and Ravi Shastri to issue statements to help the board and the team.

The BCCI spokesman also refused to comment if Digvijay Singh and Kapil Sibal could also be asked to issue statements in order to swing the public mood in favor of the Indian cricket team.

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Manmohan Singh yet to call back Sonia Gandhi after receiving missed call

Faking News Radio - Episode 1

This is the first attempt to produce a Radio news and I hope things would improve with successive attempts!

Following is the transcript of the news, just in case the pronunciation gets better of you:

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh yet to call back Sonia Gandhi after having received a missed call

This is Breaking News on FN Radio and I’m your host Pagal Patrakar

UPA chairperson and Congress President Mrs Sonia Gandhi is believed to have given a missed call to Dr.  Manmohan Singh this morning, but Dr. Singh is yet to call back. Dr. Singh is a congress member, and also the prime minister of India. The development has left Congress workers completely clueless.

“Elections in Bihar are going on and no worker can afford to miss what Soniaji or Rahulbaba has to say. This is very irresponsible,”

That was a congress leader fighting elections in Bihar, who clearly sounded very upset. The leader further told Faking News that if Congress performed poorly in the Bihar assembly elections despite speeches and rallies by Rahul Gandhi, the irresponsible behavior of Dr. Manmohan Singh should be blamed.

This is FN Radio at 42.0 Mega Hertz

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Facebook to launch its own country to take on Google Plus

California, USA. While everyone is talking whether Facebook will be finally tamed and “killed” by Google+, trusted sources inform us that Facebook is planning a much bigger coup. The social networking website, which has over 600 million active users, is all set to launch its own modern republic next week. Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg would head an interim government in the new republic till inaugural elections are held.

“While mentioning Facebook, various experts have been pointing out that if it were a country, it’d have been only behind China and India in terms of population size,” said a Facebook source, “Our team spotted this opportunity and decided to give it a go.”

Coming Monday, every registered user of Facebook would receive a mail asking to confirm if they’d like to become the citizen of the new country. If a user confirms, he or she would receive his or her passport of the new country, whereas those rejecting the offer would have to apply for “visa” to continue being a user of the website.

“Yes, those not willing to join the Facebook Nation will have to pay visa fees. We’d have different types of visas for different types of users. The social media consultants will have to apply for business visa, Twitter addicts would have to apply for tourist visa, while those who still prefer Orkut will be issued student visa,” informed our source.

Interestingly, since Facebook doesn’t yet own an independent piece of land in this world, all those who’d become the citizens of the Facebook Nation (FN) would automatically become Non Resident Facebookers (NRFs), and thus may need to apply for visa in their existing countries of residence.

“We are in talks with all the nations of the world to allow NRFs to continue living in their respective countries on immigrant visa or transit visa till we buy land and relocate all our citizens,” the Facebook source said, who further informed, “In fact, we may not need to buy land at all because countries like India are willing to offer dual citizenships for the NRFs at no extra cost.”

The new nation would uphold the freedom of its citizens, but is not so sure about privacy

“We are the fastest growing economy, so we believe we’d strike out a favorable deal with other countries, so the users willing to become citizens of the Facebook Nation should not worry,” the source added.

The new country FN will follow democracy and electoral politics with multi-party system. Any user, rather citizen, would be able to create his own party and ask fellow citizens to ‘like’ it. The parties with maximum likes (at least 10% of total population of FN) would be allowed to contest elections and form government. The first elections would be held in December 2012.

“It makes sense,” says sociologist Ashish Nandy, “people today spend more time online and socialize with virtual friends more than their real ones. Online business is growing exponentially and ‘e’ version of everything real is coming up. Soon, every action of a human being would be executed only in the online domain, so it’s better if there is an authority to regulate and govern all those actions.”

The minute details about how the new county would function are still awaited and could be announced next Monday, but experts believe that going won’t be easy for the new nation, especially if they don’t have a “physical presence” in the real world.

“Politics and business is fine, the e-country would be able to manage them,” says e-sociologist Pritish Nandy, “But what about the social aspects? Most internet users consider Google as God; they turn to Google for all their solutions. Will Facebook allow this practice or consider this as some heretic or traitorous action?”

“What would be the identity of this nation? The ethos? The symbols? Have they thought about these things?” Pritish Nandy sounded very cynical.

But our Facebook source claimed that all such issues had been discussed intensely within the team before they decided to launch a new country. The thumbs-up picture of the “like button” would be the national icon of the new country, FarmVille Cow would be the national animal, while poking would be the native way of greeting each other.

“There is a proposal to make one of the soundtracks of the movie The Social Network as the national anthem,” informed our source, who hinted that Beatles’ song “Baby, You’re a Rich Man” which appears at the end of the movie might win the race.

The not-so-cynical experts believe that the Facebook Nation would be a runaway success and would lead to creation of new e-countries, with Google most likely to follow suit and pave way for a bipolar but vibrant e-world.

“The real problem would be when companies like ibibo follow suit; it will create failed e-countries that might give rise to e-recession and e-terrorism,” warned an expert.

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