BJP leader wants Salman Khan to be party’s PM candidate

Mumbai. The race for becoming the Prime Ministerial candidate of the BJP/NDA has become even more competitive and confusing. After Yashwant Sinha recommended Narendra Modi and Shiv Sena preferred Sushma Swaraj, a little-known leader of the party has recommended the name of Salman Khan.

“We have learnt all the bad things from Congress, such as corruption, foot-in-mouth statements from our leaders, confusion on economic policies, etc. It’s time we learn some good things from them too,” the BJP leader argued.

“We should make a member from the minority community our Prime Ministerial candidate,” the leader, who didn’t want to be named, suggested, “Sikhs are to Congress what Muslims are to BJP. If Congress fought last elections under a Sikh, we should go for a Muslim, and my choice is Salman Khan.”

Salman had earlier campaigned for a few BJP leaders, such as Vinod Khanna.

The choice of Salman Khan was backed by factors like widespread appeal despite being a polarizing figure, acceptance among the youth (especially among those who have no idea about politics and who tend to vote Congress consequently), acceptance among the core Hindu groups, and someone who matches Rahul Gandhi – the putative Prime Ministerial candidate of Congress for the next general elections.

“Salman is over 40, young, good-looking, and unmarried like Rahul Gandhi, and his movies have as much logic as some of the statements by Rahul,” the BJP leader told Faking News, “Shiv Sena too supports Salman, while JD-U will not oppose a Muslim candidate; so he’s good for the alliance too!”

The leader further pointed out that Salman holds Ganpati Puja at his home, which could convince Hindu groups of his acceptability, while he could get much more Muslim votes than any current BJP leader, including the Muslim ones, can ever manage.

The leader further argued that just like Congress manages to get votes in the Sikh majority state of Punjab, BJP will do better in the Muslim majority state of Jammu & Kashmir after Salman is made the party’s Prime Ministerial candidate.

“If Salman Khan ends up marrying Katrina Kaif, who is half Kashmiri, I don’t see any reason why BJP can’t win elections in Kashmir,” the leader came up with the logic.

When asked about the various criminal cases, such as hit-and-run and illegal poaching of Black Buck, which Salman faces, the leader said that the party could use them as strings to control the Bollywood superstar if he refused to toe the party-line.

“We can transfer these cases to the CBI, which is the best tool to control any political leader having independent ambitions,” he suggested.

When contacted for comments, Salman Khan said, “kya bakwaas hai yaar! I’m not the Khan whose movies have flopped recently, so no plans to enter politics.”

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India to send Vivek Oberoi into space

Banglaore. Close on the heels of Iran sending a monkey into space, India has announced that it will send Bollywood actor Vivek Oberoi into space. However, authorities have clarified that these two evens should not be linked.

“No, we are neither competing with Iran nor pitching Vivek against a monkey,” ISRO Chairman K. Radhakrishnan told Faking News, “We needed someone who was totally jobless and who might not be missed if stuck in space for a few months.”

ISRO sources revealed that the plan to send someone in space was conceived last year but got stuck in red-tapism and bureaucracy.

Vivek Oberoi dressed as an astronaut

“The original pool comprised of Rohit Sharma, Vivek Oberoi, and Manmohan Singh – all of whom met the criteria of being jobless and not getting noticed if missing for a few months,” an ISRO source revealed, “But Rohit Sharma found form and we were told that Manmohan Singh will be available only after the 2014 general elections. Thus Vivek Oberoi won the race by default.”

“This could be Vivek Oberoi’s most successful moment of late,” the source added.

ISRO is confident that Vivek Oberoi will not be missed by anyone and this would be the most important project he has ever taken.

“Frankly, no one took him seriously, starting with Aishwarya Rai,” Mr. Radhakrishnan said, “We are taking him seriously by choosing him for this mission, and we are confident that Mr. Oberoi would accept our offer.”

When asked why any regular and trained astronaut was not picked for the mission, Mr. Radhakrishnan said that ISRO feared unnecessary controversy if a non-Vivek human being was picked up.

“We could have sent only one human being, but people would have asked why a person of this particular religion, caste, or state only? We can’t represent every community of India, which would have resulted in hurt sentiments of other communities,” Mr. Radhakrishnan explained.

The ISRO Chairman further claimed that Vivek Oberoi was beyond any controversy, especially after the Aishwarya Rai issue was allegedly settled.

“The biggest proof is his presence at the oath-taking ceremony of Narendra Modi,” Mr. Radhakrishnan pointed out, “Nobody attacked him despite sharing stage with Modi. Contrast this with what happened to Amitabh Bachchan, Ajay Devgn, and Irfan Pathan.”

“Not even an open letter was addressed to Vivek asking him to explain why he attended the oath-taking ceremony of the most polarizing figure of India,” he explained why Vivek was a safe bet to be sent into space.

When Faking News contacted Vivek Oberoi for comments, he claimed that he didn’t have “dates” and was too busy doing meaningful movies.

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Constitution to be changed to allow minors to become corrupt ministers

New Delhi. After the sixth accused in the infamous Delhi gangrape case was declared a “minor” on the basis of school certificate, politicians in India are thinking of using the juvenile delinquency laws to their own advantage.

“He (the rape accused) will be a free man just after three years, even though he’s accused of acting in the most ghastly and beastly manner,” a politician marveled at the benefits of being a minor.

“Imagine, if this is what he gets for raping and killing a girl, what he would have got for carrying out corrupt activities like taking bribe or undermining policies,” the politician added,“ Man, one can be free in just a few days, even if there is clinching proof of corruption!”

Corrupt politicians are now hoping to hide behind another law

Sources tell Faking News that politicians are thinking of amending the constitution that disallows minors from voting for contesting elections. They see this as an excellent opportunity where they can get a person under 18 years as a proxy minister, who can be the front to carry out all the corrupt activities.

“They are thinking of allowing those over 13 years i.e. those eligible to join Facebook, to contest elections and become MPs, and finally become ministers in the government,” a source revealed, “Finally they won’t have to worry about their corrupt practices being caught.”

In fact, some of them are planning to declare themselves minor by producing fake school certificates; somewhat on lines of Raja Bhaiyya of Uttar Pradesh, who produced an affidavit that suggested that he had won his first assembly elections when he was just 19, whereas the minimum age-limit as per the Indian constitution to fight elections is 25 years.

Sources suggest that while there is near unanimity among all politicians to allow minors to contest elections, there are sharp divisions between Congress and BJP over allowing minors to vote.

“While Congress claims to have the youth icon Rahul Gandhi, they are not sure if the Facebook generation will vote for them as the social media is dominated by anti-Congress elements,” a source revealed, “They want to wait till they spend the 100 crores rupees on social media effectively.”

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What new color should Manmohan Singh try for his turban?

Many people have often wondered why our beloved Prime Minister always wears blue turban. Although he looks cool in that color, won’t it be a little worthwhile if he tried some different color for a change? Today Faking News asks its readers to pick a new color for the turban of our Prime Minister that they think would look good on him. Our editorial team has shortlisted four colors and appeal to our readers to choose one of them.

The following picture would help you visualize how Hon’ble Manmohan Singh would look in each of those four colors. Take a look and take a pick.

A new look for Prime Minister Manmohan Singh

What new color should Prime Minister try for his turban?

A (Saffron)B (Yellow)C (Green)D (Pink)

VoteView ResultsPolldaddy.com

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Manmohan Singh gets retirement plan offers after Rahul Gandhi’s promotion

Few hours after Rahul Gandhi was officially given a bigger role by being appointed the Vice President of  the Congress party, Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh got a few mailers in his inbox offering him retirement plans.

One of the mailers looked like this:

Sources say Dr. Singh is seriously considering to buy a plan before the economy takes further bad shape or before someone worse than him becomes the Prime Minister.

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BJP supporters start petition urging Deepika Padukone to date Rahul Gandhi

New Delhi. Frustrated by the inability of their own party leaders, some BJP supporters have decided to take matters into their own hands to ensure a BJP victory in the 2014 general elections. A group of these supporters has started an online petition urging Bollywood star Deepika Padukone to date Rahul Gandhi, the preordained Prime Ministerial candidate of the ruling UPA alliance.

Explaining the rationale behind this petition, Mr. Rahul Gupta the representative of the group said, “We were celebrating couple of days back when we heard that Rahul Gandhi will lead UPA campaign during 2014 elections but BJP is trying hard to level the playing field by electing Nitin Gadkari as the party president once again. We need something to gain the edge again and looking at Deepika ji’s track record, she may be the ideal person to pull down Rahul Gandhi, even below Nitin Gadkari.”

He added, “When talented people like Yuvraj Singh and Ranbir Kapoor started struggling while dating her then what chance does Rahul ji have? Rahul ji is more in league with Siddharth Mallaya and look what happened to not just him but his father too. We hope for a similar bankruptcy for Mrs. Gandhi after her son dates Deepika.”

Deepika is reported to be a bit taller than Rahul, but BJP supporters say that it won’t be a problem as Rahul Gandhi is known to like bigger roles.

“Rahul Gandhi said in his speech that he loved to play Badminton and Deepika Padukone is the daughter of the best Badminton player India ever produced. She played Badminton herself before entering Bollywood so Rahul ji will be interested in her. That could be the starting point of their relationship”, a hopeful Mr. Gupta went on to add.

However, experts are not too optimistic about this match as Deepika Padukone doesn’t belong to any Minority or Dalit Community so Rahul Gandhi is unlikely to meet her with too much warmth.

BJP President, Mr. Nitin Gadkari meanwhile has refused to take it as a condemnation of his leadership. Mr. Gadkari said, “How can they not be comfortable with my leadership if they are working so hard to ensure we win the elections with me as the president. We need to promote this out of the box thinking culture. Maybe, they can join Purti Group once this mission is accomplished, we need such smart thinkers in our company.”

Meanwhile, leading journalists and thinkers, especially those on Twitter, have termed this petition a result of “misogyny” and “patriarchal mindset” because it discounts the will and views of Deepika Padukone about Rahul Gandhi.

Ms. Padukone was unavailable for a comment but the online petition has already got 14,589 signatures and Mr. Gupta plans to submit the application to Deepika after reaching 100,000 signatures.

As per sources within this support group, Siddharth Mallaya and Dr. Vijay Mallaya were the first to sign this petition.

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Footpath officially announced as the two-wheeler lane in Bangalore

Bangalore. The footpaths across all the roads in Bangalore were today officially announced as the two-wheeler lane by the Bangalore traffic police in a bid to counter increasing jams happening all over the city.

“We noticed several times that people on bikes always preferred driving in the footpath even if the roads were free. Maybe they got into that habit while driving during peak traffic. But we thought it was a great idea,” said a traffic sergeant in the Basavangudi area.

However, the traffic police department has clarified that it won’t show similar cooperation if the bikers start entering shops or houses next to the footpaths seeking shortcuts.

A biker enjoying his official driving lane

The announcement has caused the two-wheeler riders fly in joy. “It used to take 2 hours for me to reach my office which is 5 KMs away from my house. Now I can get an extra hour of morning sleep,” grinned an office goer in Indira Nagar area.

“Yes, we won’t try to enter shops or houses next to the footpaths,” he added, “But we should be allowed to park our bikes in those shops and houses as we can’t park our bike on footpaths anymore.”

“Apart from easing traffic, this will also increase the productivity in our company,” a senior HR manager from a famous IT company welcomed the step, “Most of the employees takeWork from Home option at least thrice a week citing the traffic problems and go for movies struggling in the same traffic. Now we can pull them out for work.”

Being a democratic society, there were people who were unhappy too.

A group of protesters were seen shouting slogans in front of the traffic commissioner’s office. One of the protesters, a leader of the auto drivers’ union, demanded that auto rickshaws too should also be allowed to ride through the footpaths; else they could start parking their autos on footpaths.

Apart from the auto-rickshaw drivers, the footpath vendors too are angry. They fear losing their marketplace and thus have demanded to be allow to open their shops in the Center Meridian of the roads.

When asked for a response, most of the pedestrians, whom the footpaths are originally meant for, told Faking News that they didn’t find any difference.

“I don’t remember when I used footpath last. Bikers, vendors, and jobless people were always occupying that space. Doesn’t make any difference to me,” a local resident claimed.

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